Monday, March 31, 2008
The situation has been escalating for a while. I'll admit to siding with my sister most of the time - I do know what my parents are like, especially mom. I know it's hard at times to live with a parent that puts you down and belittles you often. That doesn't give you room to grow or spread your wings. I know this, I lived it. Despite this however, I found a way to grow, to move on and live my own life. I've learned to deal with the put-downs, to ignore them, or to just let them fester up like a sore until the stench is so bad they have to be addressed. This has been my way of coping with my parents.
I'll admit to being furious upon hearing that dad had "disciplined" my sister. I told him that if the mere sight of her was too much I'd be willing to take her in. That if she had no one else on who to lean on, I'd give MY shoulder. I love my sister and I want to see her become the person I know she is capable of. I want to give her a shot at life and doing something with it.
And now, she calls upon me to make good on my promise to be there for her -- and I can't. I want to help her out, I really do. I feel she's asking for me to take on a huge responsibility at a time when our lives need readjusting and tweaking. Most people know that when a new baby comes into the family it takes a lot of readjusting from ALL the members of the family. From the parents to the youngest child. We are at a trial & error point in our lives where new routines will emerge, as well as complicated feelings from all parties involved, not to mention physical exhaustion from all of this.
As a new mother I have hormones pulling me in all different directions. Our marriage will be strained, our relationships with each other tried. New tasks/responsibilities will be presented and be delegated... the list of changes goes on and on. if I say YES, I'll be taking on another burden that will disrupt a life I haven't even settled into yet. I dont want to say NO... but I can't bring myself to say YES wholeheartedly.
YES, she needs a mentor - someone to guide her, but I can't take that role on RIGHT NOW... as much as I want to. I am at a loss of what to do... I want to help her out - I really do... but I can't risk my own sanity or family dynamics in doing so.
I feel like I'm taking my word back, but I just can't handle the additonal stress/responsibility/burden at this time. Mom already asked me to say NO. She asked me NOT to put this strain on my marriage, on my relationship with my husband. And I have to agree in NOT wanting to take it on. Now, I feel like a hypocrite for offering something I can't make good on.
To top it all off, it seems the troubles lie with some BOY. A boy that I have expressed my disapproval on, as well as my parents. A boy that DUMPED my little sister and then came back to "kill time." I wish I knew what to do, where to go, what to say.... I really need help here.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Firefighters watch as a large brush fire approaches US 281 north of San Manuel on Tuesday night.
I freaked out immediately because we left albums filled with all sorts of pictures of us, not to mention our WEDDING PORTRAITS. DH argued that if something happened we'd get other pictures. I argued that I would NEVER be a size 0 again, 17 or that freaking pretty. Thankfully there was NO NEED for anyone to dash to a burning house and try to save my portraits. LOL
So for most of the night my mind wandered back to my nice purdee home and hoped that nothing happened to it. Now that the fire is under control, I can relax and go take a nap to make up for the time I didn't get to sleep. ;)
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I had my appointment yesterday, and everything looks good. The heartbeat was in the 130s, I gained only 2 lbs in two weeks (GO ME!), and the baby/belly is still growing fine. I got a quick ultrasound to make sure the baby is head down (SHE IS!) and I feel like she's locked in and ready to go.
For the most part I'm in a lot of discomfort and pain - pelvic area, legs, and back. I'm nesting like crazy too, so I end up doing things until I can't move without wincing, so that doesn't really help. I just really hope I get everything clean/ready by the time the baby decides to come. I'm also keeping a close eye on stretch marks, and praying they DON'T happen. I'll be making some nail and hair appointments this week, so I have pretty toes when I go into labor. LOL I guess I'm a tad vain.
Anyway, here is a pic of the belly. Don't mind the clothes, at this point I just wear whatever fits.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Once at school I had to run into the office to get a copy of J's birth certificate. I stupidly left his back in Texas and asking my inlaws to find it for me back home is just too big of a pain. I really don't like the idea of my mother-in-law going through ALL of our belongings.. it irks me to NO end.
Birth certificate (or at least the copy) in hand, we headed to the Department of Economic Safety to submit the application for Kid's Care. AMAZINGLY, and without a doubt a miracle, I qualified for State assistance for our medical expenses because of my pregnancy. That is a HUGE relief, since I would get panic attacks thinking of how they were gonna overcharge us for petty stuff. Now I can relax and let myself go into labor. I just hope the kids qualify for the Kid's Care and I don't have to worry about that either.
After that, on to the Dr's appointment where I had to wait almost an hour to be seen DESPITE having an appointment. I had the joy of getting the Groub B Strep test done but also got a QUICK ultrasound to make sure that baby was already head down. LOCKED AND LOADED! Unfortunately for me, the Doc wants blood work done, and I really really really really really really HATE needles... like, REALLY. DH says I should go - so I might have to head back today and get that done.
One good thing about today is that I got to eat SUBWAY... it's been ages. The girls had chicken noodle soup and I had the daily special (Turkey & Ham sandwhich). Once there I saw the nail salon and have been contemplating making an appointment for myself to get all spiffied up before the baby comes. I think I deserve it, and even if I don't... dammit I wanna look nice.
And last but not least I had to get some paperwork notarized and ended up NOT getting it. I didn't have CASH to pay for it (who carries CASH still?!) so I had to turn around and head back home. While we were there E1 got her foot stuck in the cart and some kind older gentleman helped her get UNSTUCK. I swear that kid has got ants in her freaking pants. She is always upside-freaking-down and it drives me insane. Maybe I can sign her up for gymnastics or something crazy of that sort, but with the baby on the way I'd be hard to continue with the lessons after she gets here. Just a thought...
STILL have laundry to put away, dishes to wash/clean, beds to make and a whole lot of picking up. I am so dang exhausted though that I am gonna try and sneak a nap on the sofa while the girls watch a bit of Noggin. I just need to rest, I'm pooped. Let's hope the rest of the day proceeds smoothely. Which reminds me, I gotta call the lab and try and make an appointment as well as the nail salon..... Later.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Well, the second and third "fun" was kinda pushing it -- but it was fun. The kids got to watercolor today to try and make sure they didn't get bored. It went okay, as far as crafting with kids goes. J threw his painting away because he messed it up and didn't want to start over again. E1 did TWO paintings, and E2 did two "paintings" as well - three if you count HER.
E2 hamming it up for the camera.
Not happy about getting told "NO."
E2 was having waaay too much fun with the watercolors. She even helped touch-up the walls. She also wanted to drink the water in which the brushes were dipped/clean and when I gave her a resounding "NO" she burst into tears. Eventually we put everything away and cleared the table, bathed everyone and fed them lunch.
Eating ice cream cones.
And here is the finished product enjoying an ice cream snack after eating their lunch. Look how cute they are. I snapped the pictures before they had a chance to get their clothes dirty, their hair out of place (except for J - his always looks a little wacky) or their faces smeared. See, not such a bad mom after all. (Or so I tell myself.)
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I'm hoping this baby decides to make an appearance soon, but I'm also hoping that she is an April baby. That way I'd have two July kids and two April babies. Just not on my birthday, mm-kay?
Finally got some newborn diapers (and a box of baby wipes) and I forgot how freaking adorable they are! They look like something that belong on a doll. I can't wait to use them... it'll be soo much fun, and sooo much chaos (probably more of the later), but it'll be worth it in the end - or so I tell myself.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Then this morning I look at the calendar - the one that I've been looking at every day - and noticed that my appointment would not be until the 17th! A whole week from now. I started laughing with DH about how much of an idiot I would look like showing up at the doctor's office expecting to get seen when I had NO appointment. I would have gone through all the trouble of getting kids and myself ready only to go turn beet red once they told me I didn't have an appointment and it wouldn't be another week before mine came up. OH GOD... Was I glad DH was here to double-check on my mistake.
This is how I know the end is near. With all other pregnancy my brain just seems to leave the building. Kinda like the time I was pregnant with Emily and the nurse asked for my age (routine question) and I said SIXTEEN. ROFLMAO Thank God DH was there too, to remind me that I was MUCH OLDER... or else they would have thought I was all sorts of crazy.
At this point I am very uncomfortable in just about any position. Sitting down, laying down, propped up on pillows, standing, ANYTHING... I just hurt in ache in places I had forgotten can hurt and ache. Just sitting here typing this is very tiring. I guess this is my cue to head back to bed and prop myself up as best as possible with as many pillows I can find.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
I HATE WEDNESDAY. Now, typically most people hate Mondays. I have no problem with Mondays, they go smoothly. Wednesdays on the other hand are just chaos waiting to happen. WHY? Because Junior gets released early from school today, making me rush through the morning yet getting absolutely nothing accomplished. So today, I decided to get SOMETHING done and headed to Wal-Mart with every intention of just getting DH a lunchbag (he lost his), some cereal for breakfast and some quick meals for Wednesdays (like stuff I can just pop in the oven and forget about). SOMEHOW, the bill was over $100 and I was not happy. I then tried to get a USED bedframe and it was a POS. I only paid $15 as opposed to $30-$40 so I guess I should be happy. Now I just need to clean all the CRAP off of it and have DH assemble the stupid thing. IN SUMMARY, I HATE WEDNESDAYS.
What good thing has happened to you lately?
Um.... I got some needed stuff for the baby. Just some infant gowns and matching beanies/caps.
What are your plans for spring break?
TO LOSE MY MIND. Seriously. These kids have so much energy I don't know how the heck I'm gonna keep up with them and not crash every day. I'll have to figure out some sort of schedule to were I take them to the playground and have them run amock for like an hour... or two... or half a day. Just saying...