There are a lot of things I refuse to write about for fear that I'll jinx myself or that they'll come to be true. But this I just have to get off my chest.
I've been cramping really bad for the past few days. At first I thought maybe my body had finally started ovulating since I've been trying to get the baby to drink a bottle or two every day. I still nurse her 75% of the time but I've been slowly trying to wean her. Makes sense, right?
Well, the cramps kept coming. I then reasoned that it must be this stomach flu virus that Emma seems to have picked up. She's been puking her poor little guts for the past 2-3 days. Surely this is a sign that I'm next... but the puking has yet to happen and the incubation period for the stomach virus is 1-2 days. The cramps have been happening longer than that.
Then, I thought - AUNT FLO! It has to be. But not aunt flo, not even spotting.
So now... now I'm a bit scared that it might be implantation. As in - I might be pregnant. Haven't I been careful, you ponder. Yes I have been. Bun we're only using condoms and apparently those are not 100% effective. I went out and bought FIVE pregnancy tests from the dollar store. I took one last night and it showed up negative, but I'm thinking that IF I am pregnant, it's probably too soon to tell. So I'll be taking a PT for the next MONTH or until these cramps go away.
Why am I scared, you ask. Because I still have a BABY that needs my attention. She's only 10 months old for goodness sake. And the other three need me too! I know in my heart that I'm not DONE having babies, but I also know that I'm not READY for yet another child JUST NOW. IF I were to be pregnant, I would have to get myself used to the idea -- but GOD, if you can hear me, please please please hold off on this baby for another year or two. I'll be better rested then. I'll be healthier and not as stressed, and who knows - the economy might be better.
I guess I better warm up to the idea.. and start looking for names - just in case. Especially now that I went against my own superstitions.