Why now?

I just need to get this down into words... to make sense of what is going through my mind. There is so much going on in my life right now, I need to vent. It's not so much that there is a whirlwind of activity, as it is activities that are just emotional and mentally draining. The baby is here - yay.... within the same week, my little sister called to tell me she wants to move out here.

The situation has been escalating for a while. I'll admit to siding with my sister most of the time - I do know what my parents are like, especially mom. I know it's hard at times to live with a parent that puts you down and belittles you often. That doesn't give you room to grow or spread your wings. I know this, I lived it. Despite this however, I found a way to grow, to move on and live my own life. I've learned to deal with the put-downs, to ignore them, or to just let them fester up like a sore until the stench is so bad they have to be addressed. This has been my way of coping with my parents.

I'll admit to being furious upon hearing that dad had "disciplined" my sister. I told him that if the mere sight of her was too much I'd be willing to take her in. That if she had no one else on who to lean on, I'd give MY shoulder. I love my sister and I want to see her become the person I know she is capable of. I want to give her a shot at life and doing something with it.

And now, she calls upon me to make good on my promise to be there for her -- and I can't. I want to help her out, I really do. I feel she's asking for me to take on a huge responsibility at a time when our lives need readjusting and tweaking. Most people know that when a new baby comes into the family it takes a lot of readjusting from ALL the members of the family. From the parents to the youngest child. We are at a trial & error point in our lives where new routines will emerge, as well as complicated feelings from all parties involved, not to mention physical exhaustion from all of this.

As a new mother I have hormones pulling me in all different directions. Our marriage will be strained, our relationships with each other tried. New tasks/responsibilities will be presented and be delegated... the list of changes goes on and on. if I say YES, I'll be taking on another burden that will disrupt a life I haven't even settled into yet. I dont want to say NO... but I can't bring myself to say YES wholeheartedly.

YES, she needs a mentor - someone to guide her, but I can't take that role on RIGHT NOW... as much as I want to. I am at a loss of what to do... I want to help her out - I really do... but I can't risk my own sanity or family dynamics in doing so.

I feel like I'm taking my word back, but I just can't handle the additonal stress/responsibility/burden at this time. Mom already asked me to say NO. She asked me NOT to put this strain on my marriage, on my relationship with my husband. And I have to agree in NOT wanting to take it on. Now, I feel like a hypocrite for offering something I can't make good on.

To top it all off, it seems the troubles lie with some BOY. A boy that I have expressed my disapproval on, as well as my parents. A boy that DUMPED my little sister and then came back to "kill time." I wish I knew what to do, where to go, what to say.... I really need help here.

Cue in: FREAK OUT

Last night we were notified that our home back in Texas was in the path of a huge WILD FIRE. Never in my 24 yrs of being a Texan had a wildfire been so close to The Valley. We immediately went to The Monitor (local newspaper) to see what information we could get. Turns out the fire was about 15 miles north, and not all that close after all. It was sparked by a downed power line, and since last year we received a TON of rain, as opposed to this year, there was a bunch of dried off brush that had grown the previous year.

Firefighters watch as a large brush fire approaches US 281 north of San Manuel on Tuesday night.


I freaked out immediately because we left albums filled with all sorts of pictures of us, not to mention our WEDDING PORTRAITS. DH argued that if something happened we'd get other pictures. I argued that I would NEVER be a size 0 again, 17 or that freaking pretty. Thankfully there was NO NEED for anyone to dash to a burning house and try to save my portraits. LOL

So for most of the night my mind wandered back to my nice purdee home and hoped that nothing happened to it. Now that the fire is under control, I can relax and go take a nap to make up for the time I didn't get to sleep. ;)

Week 36 w/ belly picture

I'm oficially 36 weeks pregnant, according to the Doc. I still don't quite believe the April 15th due date is right, but at this point it doesn't matter. I've spoken to the Doc at length about me going into labor sooner rather than later and after today, he wouldn't stop labor. YAY.

I had my appointment yesterday, and everything looks good. The heartbeat was in the 130s, I gained only 2 lbs in two weeks (GO ME!), and the baby/belly is still growing fine. I got a quick ultrasound to make sure the baby is head down (SHE IS!) and I feel like she's locked in and ready to go.

For the most part I'm in a lot of discomfort and pain - pelvic area, legs, and back. I'm nesting like crazy too, so I end up doing things until I can't move without wincing, so that doesn't really help. I just really hope I get everything clean/ready by the time the baby decides to come. I'm also keeping a close eye on stretch marks, and praying they DON'T happen. I'll be making some nail and hair appointments this week, so I have pretty toes when I go into labor. LOL I guess I'm a tad vain.

Anyway, here is a pic of the belly. Don't mind the clothes, at this point I just wear whatever fits.

Longest morning ever...

Spring break is now officially over for J. He returned to school this morning and only put up a fight when I told him he couldn't take his kickball with him. I did NOT want to wake up but I had a long to-do list that had to get done. To begin with, get the kids ready for school. Even though J is the only one that attends, I have to make sure everyone is dressed and fed before we head out the door - including myself.

Once at school I had to run into the office to get a copy of J's birth certificate. I stupidly left his back in Texas and asking my inlaws to find it for me back home is just too big of a pain. I really don't like the idea of my mother-in-law going through ALL of our belongings.. it irks me to NO end.

Birth certificate (or at least the copy) in hand, we headed to the Department of Economic Safety to submit the application for Kid's Care. AMAZINGLY, and without a doubt a miracle, I qualified for State assistance for our medical expenses because of my pregnancy. That is a HUGE relief, since I would get panic attacks thinking of how they were gonna overcharge us for petty stuff. Now I can relax and let myself go into labor. I just hope the kids qualify for the Kid's Care and I don't have to worry about that either.

After that, on to the Dr's appointment where I had to wait almost an hour to be seen DESPITE having an appointment. I had the joy of getting the Groub B Strep test done but also got a QUICK ultrasound to make sure that baby was already head down. LOCKED AND LOADED! Unfortunately for me, the Doc wants blood work done, and I really really really really really really HATE needles... like, REALLY. DH says I should go - so I might have to head back today and get that done.

One good thing about today is that I got to eat SUBWAY... it's been ages. The girls had chicken noodle soup and I had the daily special (Turkey & Ham sandwhich). Once there I saw the nail salon and have been contemplating making an appointment for myself to get all spiffied up before the baby comes. I think I deserve it, and even if I don't... dammit I wanna look nice.

And last but not least I had to get some paperwork notarized and ended up NOT getting it. I didn't have CASH to pay for it (who carries CASH still?!) so I had to turn around and head back home. While we were there E1 got her foot stuck in the cart and some kind older gentleman helped her get UNSTUCK. I swear that kid has got ants in her freaking pants. She is always upside-freaking-down and it drives me insane. Maybe I can sign her up for gymnastics or something crazy of that sort, but with the baby on the way I'd be hard to continue with the lessons after she gets here. Just a thought...

STILL have laundry to put away, dishes to wash/clean, beds to make and a whole lot of picking up. I am so dang exhausted though that I am gonna try and sneak a nap on the sofa while the girls watch a bit of Noggin. I just need to rest, I'm pooped. Let's hope the rest of the day proceeds smoothely. Which reminds me, I gotta call the lab and try and make an appointment as well as the nail salon..... Later.

WATERCOLORS!

FUN! FUN! FUN!

Well, the second and third "fun" was kinda pushing it -- but it was fun. The kids got to watercolor today to try and make sure they didn't get bored. It went okay, as far as crafting with kids goes. J threw his painting away because he messed it up and didn't want to start over again. E1 did TWO paintings, and E2 did two "paintings" as well - three if you count HER.

E2 hamming it up for the camera.

Not happy about getting told "NO."

E2 was having waaay too much fun with the watercolors. She even helped touch-up the walls. She also wanted to drink the water in which the brushes were dipped/clean and when I gave her a resounding "NO" she burst into tears. Eventually we put everything away and cleared the table, bathed everyone and fed them lunch.

Eating ice cream cones.

And here is the finished product enjoying an ice cream snack after eating their lunch. Look how cute they are. I snapped the pictures before they had a chance to get their clothes dirty, their hair out of place (except for J - his always looks a little wacky) or their faces smeared. See, not such a bad mom after all. (Or so I tell myself.)

Nesting

Nesting has kicked in full-force. Even though my pregnant body is in no shape or condition to be doing extraneous activities, my nesting instinct forces me to get up off my behind and CLEAN. Clean and prepare and clean some more for the arrival of the new baby. I am TIRED.

I'm hoping this baby decides to make an appearance soon, but I'm also hoping that she is an April baby. That way I'd have two July kids and two April babies. Just not on my birthday, mm-kay?

Finally got some newborn diapers (and a box of baby wipes) and I forgot how freaking adorable they are! They look like something that belong on a doll. I can't wait to use them... it'll be soo much fun, and sooo much chaos (probably more of the later), but it'll be worth it in the end - or so I tell myself.

Absent minded...

I spent all of yesterday complaining about how I had a doctor's appointment today and I would have to take three kids in tow. I complained about how hard it would be to get everyone bathed and ready and then sit still in the waiting room.... on and on I went. DH just sympathized and said it'd be okay, and besides it would get me out of the house during "spring break" with all three kids. I wasn't too convinced, but agreed.

Then this morning I look at the calendar - the one that I've been looking at every day - and noticed that my appointment would not be until the 17th! A whole week from now. I started laughing with DH about how much of an idiot I would look like showing up at the doctor's office expecting to get seen when I had NO appointment. I would have gone through all the trouble of getting kids and myself ready only to go turn beet red once they told me I didn't have an appointment and it wouldn't be another week before mine came up. OH GOD... Was I glad DH was here to double-check on my mistake.

This is how I know the end is near. With all other pregnancy my brain just seems to leave the building. Kinda like the time I was pregnant with Emily and the nurse asked for my age (routine question) and I said SIXTEEN. ROFLMAO Thank God DH was there too, to remind me that I was MUCH OLDER... or else they would have thought I was all sorts of crazy.

At this point I am very uncomfortable in just about any position. Sitting down, laying down, propped up on pillows, standing, ANYTHING... I just hurt in ache in places I had forgotten can hurt and ache. Just sitting here typing this is very tiring. I guess this is my cue to head back to bed and prop myself up as best as possible with as many pillows I can find.

Random-ness....

What is one vent you have for today?

I HATE WEDNESDAY. Now, typically most people hate Mondays. I have no problem with Mondays, they go smoothly. Wednesdays on the other hand are just chaos waiting to happen. WHY? Because Junior gets released early from school today, making me rush through the morning yet getting absolutely nothing accomplished. So today, I decided to get SOMETHING done and headed to Wal-Mart with every intention of just getting DH a lunchbag (he lost his), some cereal for breakfast and some quick meals for Wednesdays (like stuff I can just pop in the oven and forget about). SOMEHOW, the bill was over $100 and I was not happy. I then tried to get a USED bedframe and it was a POS. I only paid $15 as opposed to $30-$40 so I guess I should be happy. Now I just need to clean all the CRAP off of it and have DH assemble the stupid thing. IN SUMMARY, I HATE WEDNESDAYS.

What good thing has happened to you lately?

Um.... I got some needed stuff for the baby. Just some infant gowns and matching beanies/caps.

What are your plans for spring break?

TO LOSE MY MIND. Seriously. These kids have so much energy I don't know how the heck I'm gonna keep up with them and not crash every day. I'll have to figure out some sort of schedule to were I take them to the playground and have them run amock for like an hour... or two... or half a day. Just saying...

My God...

I've just been handed my notice of insanity... in the form of a REMINDER: NO school on Monday, March 10th through Friday, March 14th due to SPRING BREAK. Lord help me.

Closest thing to a sibling portrait...

Ideally, the kids would have ALL been facing the camera and all smiling.... and no fake smiles like the one J is sporting - natural, beautiful smiles. Alas, this is the closest thing to a sibling portrait that I'll get before the baby is born. I still like it. I can't believe how "growed-up" they look. It seems like only yesterday they were born and tiny little squirmy things that spit up every few hours. *sigh* Gotta love them crazy kids.

I FOUND IT!

Presenting the perfect double stroller... or at least I think so. IS IT AWESOME, OR WHAT?! It's a Contours® Options® Tandem stroller. It looks like something that we might be able to use once the baby is here. With E2 being only 20 months and all, she will still want to be catered to. The only problem is that I really want that matching car seat. I've found a few that resemble it, but will have to read the reviews to see which one I pick. One of the things I really like about this stroller is the ability to have the kids either facing each other, both facing back, or just one. I'll try to convince DH to go with me to one of the stores that carry it in-stock so that we can possibly test drive it. With the baby being due so soon, we should do this ASAP. Although, we did just get back from a trip to Tucscon, and my behind was sore for the rest of the weekend. Can't complain though, since I managed to get all the spring shopping for the kids done and got great deals. Well, gotta scour the internet and see if I can't find that matching carseat or something that looks like it. TTFN.