I'm Scared

Isn't it funny, how things are going fine... when you distance yourself from it all. You care, but don't want to overdo it, in case something bad happens. I find that now that Jesse is gonna come home... I'm scared. I'm really scared. I want to be able to see him... just one last time, I want to see him. I want to hold him, hug him, kiss him and look into his eyes... and tell him that I have never loved a person so much in my whole life. Tell him, that he means the world to me, that if I could, I would give up everything I own, even my life... to see him live happily. I am so scared... I don't want to be, but I am. The kids miss him terribly! Emily is the first one to climb onto my lap when she sees I am on the computer and sputters the word 'PAPA' - she just recently learned to say 'I love you' and that was to tell him that. She kisses the monitor and laughs with so much glee, so much happiness when she sees him thru the webcam. My little boy plays with his father via the computer... I am happy that such technology allows for us to see him, but each and every time it breaks my heart. When I see him, I yearn to reach out and touch him. His curly hair, his freckles... and that goofy smile that never fails to make me feel better. We miss him, so much. I hate that we have to go thru this. My only prayer is that he returns home safely. That he gets to enjoy his children once again. That I can hear them all giggle at some game they are playing... happy, carefree, loved. I miss him... I love him... I dont want anything bad to happen to him.... I think I'd die if something did....

Dear God,
Take care of him... please?

Why do I do this to myself?

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself! It never fails that in MSN slideshows there are pictures of soldiers that just make me either tear up or get goosebumps thinking of the many things that could happen to Jesse.

I sit here time after time, just crying my eyes out and when I hear the sound of little feet approaching, I quickly wipe away all sadness. Have to be strong for them, have to keep going for them, have to show them that life, although not the same without their Daddy, does go on.

:::sigh:::

I just have to remember that myself: Life does go on. It does, right?