Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Excerpts from a "letter" I should have never written

"Let me just say that I am not unhappy with my life or the people in it. I guess I have just learned to accept them (the people that is). I'm pretty disappointed in myself and the person I've become. I don't care much for accomplishments and this feeling isn't fueled by that either. It's not about what I have or don't have, nor where I have been or will go. It's about me as person literally sucking.

Sucking the creativity, the fun, the joy -- the LIFE -- out of my kids. I'm turning into my mother. The one person that is responsible for most of WHO I am. Sure, she contributed some good things, but a lot of bad ones. I don't want to be the one that drags down their children, that stifles their creativity, that bursts their bubbles or walks all over their hopes and dreams. I want to be the mother that cares, the one that encourages, the once that will gladly hold their hand or stand by their side - whichever they choose. I don't want to be the one to call them stupid, to tell them they can't do something, that they're not good enough or smart enough. I don't want to be the one to RUIN their lives, their futures. I don't want them to look back in life and say, 'If only my mother had...' Because Internet, I do that - a whole lot.

I want my kids to know that I love them enough to NOT want to continue that cycle. I love them enough to care about their future and their greatness in life. I want them to continue being beautiful, intelligent, curious and always exploring - always growing. With no walls or boundaries to hold them back, no mother to put them down. I want them to fly, to grow wings - and if I thought I could - I'd teach them to fly. The sad thing is, I don't know how to stop the cycle. It's almost like it's genetically embedded in me - to be harsh and cold. I don't know how else to fix this other than to remove myself from the equation -- permanently"

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