Monday, March 31, 2008

Why now?

I just need to get this down into words... to make sense of what is going through my mind. There is so much going on in my life right now, I need to vent. It's not so much that there is a whirlwind of activity, as it is activities that are just emotional and mentally draining. The baby is here - yay.... within the same week, my little sister called to tell me she wants to move out here.

The situation has been escalating for a while. I'll admit to siding with my sister most of the time - I do know what my parents are like, especially mom. I know it's hard at times to live with a parent that puts you down and belittles you often. That doesn't give you room to grow or spread your wings. I know this, I lived it. Despite this however, I found a way to grow, to move on and live my own life. I've learned to deal with the put-downs, to ignore them, or to just let them fester up like a sore until the stench is so bad they have to be addressed. This has been my way of coping with my parents.

I'll admit to being furious upon hearing that dad had "disciplined" my sister. I told him that if the mere sight of her was too much I'd be willing to take her in. That if she had no one else on who to lean on, I'd give MY shoulder. I love my sister and I want to see her become the person I know she is capable of. I want to give her a shot at life and doing something with it.

And now, she calls upon me to make good on my promise to be there for her -- and I can't. I want to help her out, I really do. I feel she's asking for me to take on a huge responsibility at a time when our lives need readjusting and tweaking. Most people know that when a new baby comes into the family it takes a lot of readjusting from ALL the members of the family. From the parents to the youngest child. We are at a trial & error point in our lives where new routines will emerge, as well as complicated feelings from all parties involved, not to mention physical exhaustion from all of this.

As a new mother I have hormones pulling me in all different directions. Our marriage will be strained, our relationships with each other tried. New tasks/responsibilities will be presented and be delegated... the list of changes goes on and on. if I say YES, I'll be taking on another burden that will disrupt a life I haven't even settled into yet. I dont want to say NO... but I can't bring myself to say YES wholeheartedly.

YES, she needs a mentor - someone to guide her, but I can't take that role on RIGHT NOW... as much as I want to. I am at a loss of what to do... I want to help her out - I really do... but I can't risk my own sanity or family dynamics in doing so.

I feel like I'm taking my word back, but I just can't handle the additonal stress/responsibility/burden at this time. Mom already asked me to say NO. She asked me NOT to put this strain on my marriage, on my relationship with my husband. And I have to agree in NOT wanting to take it on. Now, I feel like a hypocrite for offering something I can't make good on.

To top it all off, it seems the troubles lie with some BOY. A boy that I have expressed my disapproval on, as well as my parents. A boy that DUMPED my little sister and then came back to "kill time." I wish I knew what to do, where to go, what to say.... I really need help here.

1 comment:

  1. Just a thought (what are blogs for if not unsolicited advice?) - what if you take in your sister in a few months? Surely she can hang on for a bit longer, and in a few months you'll have a bit more of a grip and she can help with the baby. I'm not a mom, but I understand it takes a village?

    By all means ignore me. I'm a perfect stranger who decided to tell you how to run your life :-D